After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
