i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
