I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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