is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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