Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
