by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are a genius and a whore.
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