you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
