i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
