She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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