running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
