That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
