well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
my liver is dry heaving
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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