I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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