did you get engaged???
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
