I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
