I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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