I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
