How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So much rum. So many feels.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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