They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
