if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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