Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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