The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
