Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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