im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
