I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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