allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
