I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
