My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
