i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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