have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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