I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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