do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
