Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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