well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
