Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
