i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize