he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
