So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
