Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize