i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
