I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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