Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
