I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
