we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
