He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
