Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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