I can tuck mytits in my pants
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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