I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
