I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
