I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
