haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
