alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
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Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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