why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
