Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
