I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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