Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
