I am spending my child support on dildos
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
