A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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